Are you interested in a vulnerable introduction? Grab a cup, because honesty is the new sexy!
Like many people, I am a survivor – meaning there were times I wanted to end it all, but I didn’t, because I am a mother and my kids are my world. This is a frightening way to live because you never know when grief is going to show up, and no matter how familiar you become with the dance of grief, it doesn’t go away. It torments you.
I've played the joyful and happy part very well. I believe many of us have. I've mastered the art of kind, positive, happy, supportive and brave. I've pushed through the grief and hustled daily to the point of depletion. I've chased perfection, prayed, distracted, denied, raised my little humans, and served and supported others. I followed all the traditional and patriarchal rules I thought I needed to follow. The grief part, I kept hidden, never saying a word for fear of losing my kids - who are now amazing adults.
When I attempted to share my suffering, it was dismissed and rejected by the people I loved the most, which exasperated my grief. Ultimately, I kept believing there was something wrong with me and continued the cycle of improving myself to prove my worth. Sadness is not welcome in most family systems or society. It is often shamed and avoided. It makes people uncomfortable, and many people do not have the capacity for honesty or vulnerability. Imagine what it feels like for the person who is always trying to be honest about what hurts them. The so called “Professionals” like to label grief and give it a pill. I’m a professional, I don’t take pills, and I have learned that labels harm people to the point of no return.
A shift happened when I started writing. I’ve had many transformations (finding and teaching yoga, dogmatic deconstruction), but when I started the process of deep soulful writing, this is when I discovered I was swimming in bypassed trauma and unexamined grief. This is also when I realized I was betraying myself to seek love and acceptance in places where it wasn't being offered. I made the decision to keep writing. I wanted to excavate what I had buried and bypassed. Facing trauma is an act of courage. It means consciously stepping into a cold dark place that we must climb ourselves out of in hopes for a human transformation. It was a risk I was willing to take to examine and excavate the grief I could never seem to shake. I stayed with my wounds until they showed me the way.
Everything I longed for and could never have was tormenting me and breaking my heart (healthy and honest relationships with the people I love the most and the safety and support to feel deeply and be myself completely). I simultaneously embarked on a religious deconstruction process that I started decades earlier without fully realizing it. What a life changing relief this has been. I examined my relationships deeper than ever before, including the one I was having with myself - chronically perfecting myself while shrinking and silencing myself and shaming myself every time I perceived I had failed.
I enlisted the support and encouragement of strangers going through the same process. What a relief to know you are not alone, and that millions of other humans are experiencing exactly what you are. There is nothing like the warmth of the sun when it feels like all you have felt is the freezing cold.
I am finally discovering an unfamiliar compassion for myself and a self-worth that is completely foreign and sometimes difficult to navigate. I have fully surrendered to my personal expression (writing and speaking), and I am embarking on a life-long process of letting go of the painful wounds, unhealthy relationships, the longings of my heart (that keep tormenting me), and everything that starves my soul (other people’s belief systems).
Self-expression is a gift, and we can do it in many creative ways. I express myself through poetry, metal work, yoga, and dancing. I continue to connect with other humans inside safe spaces where people seek to understand each other with kindness and curiosity instead of high doses of judgement and rejection.
Writing has become my secular spiritual practice. It is how I stay connected to my soul, my authenticity, what hurts me, and what matters to me most. It is how I rediscover myself over and over again. I vow to never lose myself or my voice.
My deepest hope is to inspire you to honor your voice. I hope you always choose you above everything else, because you deserve healing and vitality in every form. If any part of my story resonates with you, feel free to send me a message. I am happy you are here.
You are also invited to join my community or follow me on social media. Do what makes you happy and serves your soul.